November 19, 2008

i need to update this thing more often!

let’s see. i have been home for… 4 weeks tomorrow. almost a month. wow. it has gone really fast! glad i have more than another month left here!

nicaragua is ridiculous right now,  because of the whole election drama. we can barely leave our house. intense. it’s discouraging, but God is in control.

today i started copying down recipes. we’re going to get me a little recipe box so i can oficially start one. i’m excited. 🙂

If I love you this much, and I’m not the one for you, then the one for you will be everything I am; and everything I’m not.”

“Love not looked for is love that shall be found.”

I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. -When Harry Met Sally

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August 2, 2008

elizabeth just left for two weeks, and i’m thinking it’s going to be a really lonely two weeks. and now the internet isn’t working so i can’t post this. silly internet. i think i’m going to unpack my stuff while it tries to connect again. i just finished unpacking one suitcase and then i have another tub of stuff downstairs that got rained on but hopefully should still be ok.

i have to go get ready for work soon, so i should continue this later.

July 9, 2008

i’m not sure that i should be writing on here because i might make myself cry more than i already am.

i’m struggling. a lot. i don’t want to be here at all right now. i miss my family so much and i’m just so sick of being away from them all the time, and constantly having to say sad goodbyes.

i’m sad a lot lately and it scares me.  i cry a lot and i hate that. i know i’m not in any way entitled to be happy all the time, but it’s so hard right now. i wish i was happier. during re-entry, carmal talked about learning to live at a lower level of happiness, or something like that, and i think i understand now.

i don’t want to be here, and it doesn’t help that elizabeth and i are having to live with wonnie right now. wonnie is fine, but we can tell she’s not really having other people invading “her space”. it’s really cramped in here and even more so because wonnie’s stuff is everywhere. she has TWO big closets to herself, while elizabeth and i each have like one tiny closet, two of them make up a regular size-closet. so it’s like we’re sharing one. in the bathroom, elizabeth and i share half a shelf, because the towels are on the other half, and she has the top shelf packed full of her stuff. we MIGHT be moving in two-three weeks but i’m not sure that will happen. Jesus, please let it happen!

i should go call the Home now and tell them that i’ll be down there for lunch, and then shower and get ready to go down for lunch. i’ll be back later.

June 25, 2008

i’m with my family. and i love it. so much. family is amazing. i didn’t realize just how much i’ve missed them.

i wish i could be more like monica on “friends”. i wish i was more of a neat freak and all that fun stuff. but then again, those kind of people seem so intense. i don’t like intensity very much. i’d rather not be intense.

yesterday we bought a new set of luggage for me. yay for luggage. my big suitcase that i brought was too big to fit in our trunk with the rest of everyone’s stuff.

i think for me, the two weeks i had at rosann’s right after REACH was over was perfect. i had time to relax and rest and think and just have some time before i saw my family and all the crazyness that is this summer started.

my new favorite show, “john & kate plus eight” is starting so i am getting off! 🙂

June 16, 2008

i just got to talk to carmen! that was really exciting. i really miss her. but she informed me that her and anthony broke up yesterday. that was a pretty big shock and made me really sad. yes, i cried. i really wish i could be there with her right now. in morocco, i promised that if he ever broke up with her, i’d bring over ice cream and we’d watch chick flicks and all that jazz. now i can’t really keep that promise because i’m here and she’s there. aka i’m in plain city, ohio and she’s in greenwood, delaware. but i was pleasantly surprised to hear that her older brother, gabe, is taking care of her tonight. they’re going to get a movie and i suggested ice cream to gabe.

i just found out that she’ll be at the wedding i’m going to with my parents on july 5th. that is super exciting! 🙂

i’m looking at and posting pictures of morocco, which of course is making me miss it.

June 15, 2008

there are some things you learn best in calm. and some in storm. -willa cather

this is the quote i have at the beginning of my journal that i just finished. i started it october 1st, aka week six of REACH training and finished it may 29, the day we got home from morocco. i can definitely see how that quote proved itself true during that time. morocco definitely had its share of storm, and it had its calm as well. and i learned a lot, through both.

to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable… the only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell. -c.s lewis

how can i know the man of sorrows
while sitting on cloud nine?
how can i share in sufferings
i run from all the time?
and if my skin had never
touched the flame
i could never say
i know a God bigger than the pain

why is it i want a heart
that never can be broken
when i’ve known a power
perfect in my weakness?
though i say i hate it
when i fall, if i hadn’t,
i wouldn’t know a God
bigger than it all

to know a God of comfort,
i know i’ll have to mourn
to know a God of victory,
i’ll have to go to war
and if i want to know
the Author of all life
live for him
according to His call
i have to know a God
bigger than it all

why is it my words complain
while walking through the fire
when my strength and purity
remains your heart’s desire?
though i know no evils
from your hand,
without struggles,
i wouldn’t know
a God bigger than my plan

every good thing comes from You
every perfect gift
but living in a fallen world
at times, we all get hit
and i’m learning to trust
in the midst of it 

the tide can change so fast, but i will stay

the same through past,
the same in future,
same today

oh weary, tired and worn
let out your sighs
and drop that heavy load you hold
’cause Mine is light
I know you through and through
there’s no need to hide
I want to show you
that love is deep
and high
and wide

for I am constant
I am near
I am peace
that shatters
all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
I’m the only one who knows
your heart’s desires

“but the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship Him.” -john 4:25

the whole idea of worship was such a huge theme for me during my time in morocco.

i saw a movie
it just wasn’t the same
it was happy
i was sad
it made me miss you
oh-so-bad

take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord to thee
take my moments
and my days
let them flow
in ceaseless praise
let them flow
in ceaseless praise

give me one pure and holy passion
give me one magnificent obsession
give me one glorious ambition for my life
to know and follow hard after you
to grow as your disciple in the truth
this world is empty, pale and poor
compared to knowing you, my Lord
lead me on and i will run after You
lead me on and i will run after You

fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze… do not be afraid, for i am with you… “you are my witnesses”, declares the Lord, “and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I AM He. -isaiah 43:1,2,10

before they call, I will answer; while they are still speaking, I will hear. -isaiah 65:24

if you believe, you will recieve whatever you ask for in prayer. -matthew 21:22

tonight i watched “blast from the past” with my cousin jeanette, and i actually liked it. i wasn’t expecting to. this morning i checked my email and found an update from kayla on the whole “sitch”. we’ll see how that goes… it was nice to get an update because i’ve been dying of curiosity!

tomorrow is church at northwest chapel, and i think we’re going to the vineyard joshua house thing at night.

i get to see my family on friday night!!!

June 14, 2008

i haven’t slept well the past two nights. what is up with that? last night my legs were really sore from the treadmill… that was probably part of the issue.

today so far i have had breakfast, read, walked/jogged on the treadmill, taken a shower, attempted to continue organizing… yeah. i wish i was organized, dang it. then i think i would know where to put everything, what to get rid of, etc. lunch should probably happen sometime soonish… hm. fruit sounds really good. actually, i’m not really hungry yet. hmm.

i am reading a book that i really like. it’s called “confessions of an amateur believer” by… i think her name is patty kirk? anyway, she kind of reminds me of anne lamott, whom i love. but then again she’s really different from her too. i appreciate her honesty and “real-ness”. i love “real-ness”.

people who talk to themselves have always made me nervous. but i just had a thought- if this is only for me to read so far, am i talking to myself by writing on here? but i guess it’s the same as a journal. currently my journal is more addressed to God than to… the journal/myself. i guess i am talking to myself. at least it’s not out loud. 🙂

i think i’m going to like this. i can put all kinds of random things on here like my random lists, old writing, etc. and it takes up no space! awesome.

June 14, 2008

so, i miss having a blog. i’m back from morocco now, so i’m allowed to have one. 🙂 i thought i’d try wordpress, because we used blogspot for our team blog in morocco and i wasn’t a fan.

last night i watched probably the strangest movie i’ve ever seen. “elizabethtown”. yeah, it was wierd. i can’t say that i loved it. towards the end it got betterish.

today i went shopping with my aunt and cousins. it was a successful shopping trip, because i was able to find what i set out to find- a bathing suit (our swartz family reunion is coming up, and it’s at a water park- heck yes i needed a bathing suit!). i found other exciting things as well, but i don’t want to bore you.

i am continuing to sort through my stuff and get rid of what i don’t need and organize what i do. i am trying to pack for virginia as well, and i’ve decided to take a good amount of my stuff this time, because i will be there for awhile, i think, and i tend to forget about stuff that i have when it’s not with me, so i buy more. then i get back to all my stuff and i’m like dang it, why do i have so much stuff?

i’m kind of excited to get to virginia. i’m probably going to regret ever saying that once i get there. i think part of it is just wanting to get there and get settled and not have to get up and leave quickly. well, that’s not even true, because like a week after i get there, i leave and go to normie’s bridal shower and conference. but then after that i’ll be there for awhile. i get so tired of packing and unpacking all the time, of living out of a suitcase, of always coming and going. i’m ready to settle down for awhile. also, i miss the elderly. and i’m excited to be there with chester and elizabeth, and i’m excited to live in a villa with elizabeth again. 🙂

i miss matt wolfer. that kid is awesome.

i think i’m setting out early tomorrow to pick strawberries, something i’ve never done before. which means that i should probably go to bed soon.

goodnight.